


High Flying Adored

by zebraljb



Category: Backstreet Boys, NSYNC
Genre: Crossover, M/M, Make the Yuletide Gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-07
Updated: 2012-01-07
Packaged: 2017-10-29 03:40:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/315405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zebraljb/pseuds/zebraljb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the 2011 "Make the Yuletide Gay" SeSa.  This isn't your usual happy go lucky story...JC and Nick meet, hook up, and then Nick has to decide what's more important: his partying, or his relationship with JC.</p>
            </blockquote>





	High Flying Adored

HIGH FLYING ADORED

1997

“Aw, c’mon, Mom, really? I need to catch up…”

“Nickolas Gene Carter, you’ll leave this locker room when I let you leave.”

“God.” A loud metal thump signified a sneaker hitting a locker. “WHAT?”

JC Chasez froze in the doorway of the locker room. He had left his hoodie on the bench, and was hurrying back to get it before the van left for the hotel. They were in Europe, touring in support of their first album, and had stopped in Germany to play an exhibition basketball game with the Backstreet Boys and a few other European pop groups.

“Nick, don’t talk to me that way. I’m still your mother.”

“You don’t act like it,” an adolescent voice muttered.

JC jumped at the sound of a slap. “Mouth off to me like that again, you little brat, and you’ll be hightailing it home with me.”

“Sorry,” JC heard Nick mumble.

“You need to pay more attention to what’s important, Nick. You sounded horribly flat during that song.”

“Mom, I just finished a basketball game! I was a little out of breath!”

“I know you don’t see it that way, but your career is much more important than any stupid basketball game.”

“Fine.”

JC leaned against the doorframe, closing his eyes. He knew that sometimes Justin couldn’t stand his own mother, whining that she constantly poked herself into his life, but he also knew that Justin could barely function without her, and wasn’t ready to try. Poor Nick. A seventeen year-old pop star with a monster for a mother. “Don’t let it happen again, Nick.”

“Yes, Mom.”

“Now, get out of here. The others are waiting.”

JC darted out of the locker room and sprinted a few yards down the hall to make it look as if he was just coming their way. Jane Carter click-clacked out of the locker room in her high heels, not giving JC a second glance. Nick soon followed, his blond hair flopping over his eyes. “Hey, Nick,” JC said, pasting a friendly smile on his face. “I’m JC. From…”

“Yeah, I know who you are,” Nick sulked.

“You played a great game out there,” JC continued as if Nick hadn’t spoken. “I was really impressed. Basketball’s really your game, huh?”

“Well, it’s Brian’s game, really, but thanks.” Nick brightened a bit. “You…”

JC held up a hand and laughed. “Don’t lie. I know I suck. This game belongs to Justin and Chris.”

“You gave a good effort,” Nick said politely, and JC laughed again. Nick even chuckled. “You guys…you’re touring around Europe?”

“Yes.” JC shrugged. “Following in your footsteps or something. You guys are a hard act to follow.”

“Thanks.” Nick looked up and down the hall. “I think you guys sound good. But you never heard me say that.”

“I’ll take it to the grave,” JC promised.

“NICKOLAS!” Jane yelled.

Nick blushed. “I should go.”

“Right.” JC held out his hand. “I’ll see you around, Nick.”

Nick shook it, holding it briefly. “Yeah. See you around.” He plodded down the hall after his mother, his head drooping again.

“Coffee.” Chris stared at JC. “You could go shopping with us, or you could go for coffee. Alone.”

“I want coffee.” JC shrugged.

“It’s Germany. Are they even KNOWN for their coffee?” Joey wondered.

“JC, c’mon…hang with us,” Justin whined.

JC sighed, exasperated. He was twenty years old, in a foreign county. As much as he loved these new best friends of his, sometimes he just needed time alone. “They said we didn’t have to go as a group. I don’t want to go as a group for a few hours. Is that a crime?”

“Apparently it is, JC,” Lance said with a lazy grin. “Apparently these two can’t do anything on their own. I’m proud of your independence. ”

JC grinned back. Lance was loosening up around them little by little, and JC loved his snarky sense of humor. “I’m sorry to leave you to babysit, Lance.”

“Just remember. I charge five bucks an hour plus pizza.” Lance clapped JC on the back and shoved Chris and Joey down the hall. “Have fun.”

“Yeah, have fun,” Justin said doubtfully, following the others. “Buy me a present!” He called over his shoulder a bit more cheerfully.

JC hurried out of the hotel, wandering the streets of the small city they were in. He loved the fact that it was exactly like home yet completely not like home all at once. He peered into store windows, trying to translate things with his elementary knowledge of German.

“Whoa there.” Large hands gripped his shoulders just as he was about to collide with someone.

“Nick?” JC blinked. “Hi. What are you doing out here?”

“I escaped,” Nick said with a lopsided grin. “I’m supposed to be with AJ and Brian, shopping, but I managed to get away on my own. I needed some time to myself.” His smile faltered.

“Won’t they worry?”

“Nah, I let Brian know what I was doing. As long as I’m back by four I’m okay.” Nick shrugged. “What are you up to?”

“The others wanted to shop…I needed time to myself as well. Thought I’d look around a bit, and I was headed for that café up the street.”

“You like coffee?” Nick wrinkled his nose, and JC was reminded of Justin. “I don’t.”

“Come with me, and I will make you love it,” JC promised.

“I don’t know about that,” Nick said. JC tugged at his shoulder.

“C’mon. It’s Germany. Live a little.” JC started walking and Nick trotted after him.

“How old are you?” Nick asked.

“Twenty. I’ll be twenty-one in a few months. You’re, what, eighteen? Nineteen?” JC purposely got Nick’s age wrong. Chris had made sure they’d all done their homework on the Backstreet Boys, their primary competition.

“Seventeen,” Nick said bashfully. “You think I look that old?”

“Sure you do. I knew you were older than Justin, but I wasn’t sure by how much,” JC said. He held the door of the café, allowing Nick to enter first. “Grab us a table. I’ll get our drinks.” Nick wandered over to a table in the corner as JC went to the counter. He managed to order a coffee for himself and a mocha for Nick in his rudimentary German.

JC turned around and leaned on the counter as he waited for their drinks. Nick sat with his chin in his hand, staring out the window as his free hand drummed on the tabletop. Nick was all arms and legs, and wasn’t the best dancer, but on the basketball court there had been a hint of some athletic grace. His blond hair was shiny, and his blue eyes mischievous. JC was most drawn to the full red lips. Nick didn’t smile often, but even at seventeen, his smile was sexy and alluring.

JC turned back around and stared at the counter. It was no surprise to him that he’d noticed Nick’s lips. He’d known he was gay since the age of fifteen. But he knew that for many reasons, he could not be interested in Nick. First of all, Nick was just as illegal as Justin. Secondly, he was a member of a rival band. And most of all, he was most very likely straight.

JC nodded his thanks to the barrista and picked up their drinks. “Here. I promise you you’ll like this,” he said, handing the mug to Nick. “It’s hot,” he warned.

Nick puckered his lips to blow on the steaming liquid, and JC felt his knees go weak. “Thanks,” Nick murmured, taking a small sip. His eyes widened. “Wow! It’s like cocoa!”

“It pretty much is, with coffee in it,” JC said. “See? You need to trust me.”

“I don’t trust people very easily,” Nick muttered.

“You can trust me,” JC said again, and there was a sincerity in his tone that made Nick stare at him. JC blushed and looked down at his own coffee. “So…you guys here long?”

“We pull out tomorrow. Don’t ask where we’re going…I have no clue. I leave that to the smart people.”

“You’re smart, I’m sure,” JC said immediately. “But you’re right…I just sing what they tell me to sing wherever they tell me to sing it. I prefer to deal with the creative side. Now, Lance, he’s the business one. He’s a smart kid. He could be like a scientist or something.”

“Lance…he’s the one with those eyes, right?” Nick said, and JC stared at him. Nick blushed. “They’re kinda freaky.”

“True,” JC said, laughing. “I’ve never seen eyes like his. You’re right, that’s Lance.”

“And Chris is the one with the hair, and Joey’s the other one, and then there’s Justin.”

JC smiled. “And then there’s Justin,” he agreed.

“Everyone already compares us,” Nick said. “It’s hard not to know who he is.”

“That’s annoying, isn’t it? I get compared to him too, already, because we were both on the Mouse Club.”

“I forgot…you’re a celebrity already,” Nick gently teased.

“Hardly,” JC snorted. “Not quite the same thing. I didn’t have to work this hard on there.”

“It is hard work,” Nick agreed. “Do you like it?”

“Most of the time. I don’t like the way we don’t get a say in what’s going on,” JC said, automatically lowering his voice.

“I know! It’s go here, sing that, move here, dance there. Do your schoolwork, smile bigger, work harder,” Nick said before he thought.

JC reached out and touched Nick’s arm without thinking. “You’re doing great, Nick. I promise. We’ve been forced to watch tapes of you guys…Lou pretty much threatens us with you.”

“Lou’s a dick,” Nick whispered, then looked around guiltily.

“Yeah, he is,” JC agreed. “But he doesn’t know everything. That’s what we tell Lance. Just keep working hard and it will pay off.”

“I’m just thankful for the guys. Even Kevin,” Nick said. “Kevin’s worse than my mom sometimes.”

JC inwardly winced, remembering what he had overheard. “We don’t have a mom…I mean, in the guys. Justin’s mom is always around, Lance’s, too, and they’re pretty cool. But if anyone is the mom in the group…it’s probably me,” JC said, laughing.

“I bet you’d make a good mom,” Nick teased, and JC laughed again. Nick took a bigger gulp of his mocha. “This is really good. I’m glad I trusted you.”

“You’re welcome,” JC said softly. “Anytime.”

Nick studied him thoughtfully. “How about you leave your group and join ours? I could use another person that I can trust.”

“Sorry. Kinda in it for the long haul with these guys,” JC said apologetically. “But there’s no reason we can’t be friends.”

“Yeah,” Nick said slowly. “Though they won’t like it.”

JC didn’t have to ask who “they” were. “Screw them. Do you know what email is?”

“Yes,” Nick said. “Kevin has an account and thinks he’s all special.”

“We all have accounts.” JC dug a pen out of his pocket and scribbled on a napkin. “Here’s mine…and my address at home. I get my mail forwarded to me wherever I am. So it might take a while to get back to you, but I promise I will.”

“Okay, thanks.” Nick put the napkin in his pocket. “I should go. I’d rather stay, but…I don’t want to push it.” He stood up, as did JC.

“Hang in there,” JC said. “You’re doing a good job.” He didn’t know why he felt the need to constantly reassure Nick. “You don’t need any of that other crap…you’re good.”

“Thanks,” Nick whispered. JC held out his hand, but instead of taking it, Nick hugged him. “See you.”

“Bye.” JC hugged Nick back, then let him go.

 

1999

 

“Holy fuck.” Chris choked on his beer. “What are THEY doing here?”

“It’s a public place,” JC said, absently clapping Chris on the back. “I don’t think there’s a “NO Backstreet Boys Allowed” sign on the door.”

“There should be. Letting in riff raff like that,” Chris snorted.

“You’re an idiot.”

“Just because Nick Carter is your new best friend…” Justin grumbled.

“Jealous much?” JC said with a grin. “Fuck off, Justin.”

During the two years since they’d met in Germany, JC and Nick had kept in casual contact via email and regular mail, and even through a phone call or two. They hadn’t seen each other during that time, though JC had kept a careful eye on Nick through the media. The Backstreet Boys were huge, and they’d just released their second album in the US, Millennium. “He’s drunk off his ass,” Chris observed. “And he’s not even old enough.”

“Says the man who’s been buying drinks for Justin all night. Hypocrite.” JC finished his own drink. “I’m gonna go say hi. You should come along.”

“I’m busy,” Chris said, turning back to the bar.

“Me, too,” Justin echoed.

“Jackasses.” JC took a deep breath, ran a hand through his hair, and started across the bar. Nick was in a corner, leaning against the wall, with AJ McLean on his left. JC was a little hurt that Nick hadn’t let him know that he was in Orlando, since he knew full well that JC would be there, but JC shoved that hurt down. There was no reason to let Nick Carter know in any way that he’d been harboring a terrific crush on him over the past two years…especially when that crush had been founded on a relationship created through a computer. “Nick.”

“Fuck me!” Nick’s face lit up and he pulled himself to his full height. “JC!” Nick gave him a crushing hug. “You look great!”

“So do you,” JC said truthfully. He pulled away and smiled shyly at AJ. “Hi, AJ.”

“Chasez.” AJ tilted his beer towards JC. “Looking good.” He lightly punched Nick in the shoulder. “You’re in good hands here. M’gonna get some…stuff.”

“K, AJ. Hook me up later.” Nick pulled JC to a quieter corner of the bar. “Man, JC, it’s great to see you.”

“I didn’t know you were in Orlando,” JC said, trying not to make a big deal about it.

“Yeah, it was a sorta last minute thing. We gotta tour soon, and Brian whined and Kevin bitched and we got a week at home.” Nick rolled his eyes. “The last fucking place I want to be.”

“I thought you have your own house,” JC said.

“I do, but she…I mean…people are always in and out.” Nick rolled his eyes again. He smiled at JC. “You look amazing, JC. It’s so weird seeing you after, what, two years?”

“You look good, too, Nick.” JC couldn’t help his eyes from wandering over Nick’s tall frame. He’d filled out, and the blond hair now draped over his eyes in a way that could only be called adorable. “I hope you’re taking care of yourself.” He gave a pointed look to the beer in Nick’s hand.

“Aw, c’mon, JC, you know it’s no big deal. We teenage pop stars grow up much quicker than everyone else.”

“Just…be careful, okay? I worry about you.” Rumors were already spreading about AJ’s drug use. While both JC and Chris were not above a little “herbal relaxation” now and then, they were adamantly against the heavier stuff, and had done everything in their power to keep Justin out of it. “You don’t need that stuff.”

“You don’t really know what I need, do you, JC?” Nick said almost angrily.

JC took a step back. “You’re right, Nick. I don’t.” JC sighed. “I have no right to preach at you. It was really good to see you, and you look fantastic. Drop me a line when you can.”

JC turned to go, but was stopped by Nick’s hand on his shoulder. “Fuck, JC, don’t go. I’m sorry. I know you care. You always have…sometimes I think you may be the only one that does.” Nick drained his beer. “I came here with AJ, but he’s…busy. Wanna go back to my place and hang out? We could get a cab…”

“You sure you’re ready to go?”

“Yeah. I think I’ve had enough.” AJ magically appeared and Nick snagged him by the sleeve. “Aje. I’m outta here. Talk to you later.”

Before AJ could respond, JC said, “I gotta let the guys know I’m leaving. I’ll meet you at the front door, Nick. Bye, AJ.” JC shoved his way through the crowd.

“Let me guess…you got tired of waiting for Nick to string three intelligent words together and came back here,” Chris said.

JC’s eyes narrowed. “Chris, if I was looking for intelligent conversation, I’d find Lance, not you. Just letting you two dumbasses know I’m leaving.” Chris popped him the finger and turned back to his conversation with Justin.

Joey, who had joined Chris and Justin after JC went to Nick, said quietly, “You going home with him, JC?”

“Not like that,” JC mumbled. Joey was the only one of the group who knew the 100% truth about JC’s sexuality. He’d found a man stumbling out of JC’s hotel room at three in the morning, and he’d called JC out on it. He’d always wondered about the true base of the friendship between Nick and JC, but had never asked about it.

“I know you…” Joey interrupted himself. “Not my business. Be careful, JC. Call me if you need me.”

“I’m fine, Joey, but thanks.” JC gave him a strange look, then made his way to the front door.

“Everything cool?” Nick asked. He was weaving on his feet, but seemed competent.

“Just the Spanish Inquisition,” JC grumbled. “Let’s go.”

He followed Nick outside, where Nick quickly flagged down a cab. He flopped onto the backseat, blowing upwards to get his hair out of his eyes. “So…how’ve you been?”

“Okay…busy, like you.” JC kept his eyes averted, watching the scenery go by. No need to give in to the temptation…Nick’s legs were encased in sleek black leather.

“Are you mad at me, JC?” Nick asked, and JC looked at him. That full red lip was pulled between his teeth.

“No! I…it’s been a while. It’s weird,” JC confessed. “I feel like I know you so well but don’t know you at all.”

“I see.” Nick thought for a moment. “Well…my name is Nick Carter. I’m a member of the biggest boyband in the world. I like the ocean and basketball and I can play the drums. I’m single.”

JC smiled. “Well, thanks for all that information. I totally know you now.”

“Your turn.”

“My name is JC. I’M a member of the biggest boyband in the world. I like art and music and I can play the piano. I’m single, too.”

“Why?” Nick tilted his head to the side.

“Why am I single?” JC blinked. “Well, I haven’t found someone willing to live the life my significant other has to lead,” he said finally. “And it has to be someone special, in a lot of ways. Not only do they have to put up with my life, with me being away from home, around thousands of hot strangers, but it has to be someone I can trust the same way. I need to know that they’re not fooling around on me while I’m gone.”

“I don’t know if I can ever trust someone like that,” Nick said, sighing.

“You started trusting me, and I was the enemy,” JC reminded him.

“Yes, but I’m not dating you,” Nick said as the cab slowed down. JC was saved from replying by their exit from the cab and entrance into Nick’s large house. “Home sweet home, or something,” Nick said. “Make yourself at home. Wanna bottle of water or something?”

“That’d be good,” JC agreed. He followed Nick into the kitchen. “So…this tour of yours is gonna be something, huh?”

“Yes. I think it will be. Our entrance is amazing. We’re gonna…” Nick stopped and shook his head. “I do trust you, JC. I almost gave away our secrets.” He handed JC a bottle of water and got one for himself.

JC snorted. “Like I care.” He knew how callous it sounded, but he was so tired of the rivalry.

“Hey, you…” Nick shook his head again. “I’m not fighting about that. That’s insane.” He led the way into his spacious living room. “Sometimes I’m surprised you’re still friends with me.”

“Why?”

“Well, you didn’t need to take the time to stay in touch…I was such an annoying brat. You already have one of those with you all the time.”

“True,” JC chuckled. “You’re a good kid, Nick. Why wouldn’t I be your friend?”

“Right. A good kid.” Nick looked disappointed. He put down his bottle of water and moved to sit next to JC. JC swallowed hard. “I’m not that much of a kid, JC.”

“You’re four years younger than I am.”

“But with years of experience,” Nick pointed out. He put a hand on JC’s knee. “JC, I’m just drunk enough to say what I want to say, so don’t interrupt, okay?”

“Okay,” JC said slowly, his insides doing backflips.

“You’re one of the most attractive guys I’ve ever seen. You move like liquid sex, you have those legs, that smile, those eyes…” Nick let his eyes run over JC. “But even more than that, you’ve got a gorgeous heart. I’ve had a crush on you since that day in the coffeehouse.”

“Nick, you’re…you can’t…”

“Don’t say I’m straight, JC. I live twenty-four seven with AJ, remember? I was exposed to alternate lifestyles at a very young age.” His hand slid up JC’s thigh a little. “I don’t often get to be with a man, but I’ve done it.”

“Fuck.” JC ran a hand over his face. “Nick…what are you saying? You want to sleep with me?”

“Of course I do.” Nick looked surprised. “Did you not hear what I just said? I’m bisexual, I think you’re hot. And I know you’re gay.” JC gasped. “I know you’re discreet, JC, but stuff gets around. I care about you. I can trust you.”

“Oh, right,” JC said sadly, and Nick’s eyes widened.

“Oh, wait, it’s not just…I want…” Nick buried his face in his hands. “My fucking mouth. THIS is why I never get to talk in interviews, and that’s about dumb shit like my favorite ice cream flavor.”

“Nick, stop. It’s okay.” JC pulled Nick’s hands away from his face. “Finish what you were saying.”

“I don’t just want to have sex with you, JC.” Nick’s eyes were deep and blue and JC felt like he was slowly drowning. “I want to BE with you.”

“Nick…” JC slowly pulled back. “I can’t believe…”

“I know, I’m stupid and dorky and fat and…”

JC silenced Nick with a firm kiss. When he pulled away, Nick gaped at him. JC cradled Nick’s face in his hands and kissed him again, more gently. “Nick, you’re not stupid.” Kiss. “You’re not dorky.” Kiss. “You’re NOT fat. You’re perfect and gorgeous and I’m sorta in shock here, so why don’t we just go to your bedroom and not talk for a while.”

Nick slowly grinned. He stood, taking JC’s hand. “You’re brilliant.”

 

2001

 

“Hey, Nicky!” JC panted as he jogged through the airport. “I’m running to the gate so talk fast.”

“Can you change your flight?”

JC stopped in his tracks. “Nick, are you crying?”

“I need you in New York, JC.”

“I thought you were on tour. I thought…” JC paused. “Never mind what I thought. I’ll get there as soon as I can.”

“Thanks.” JC heard Nick sniff.

“I’ll call you back when I have flight information.” JC hung up and headed for the closest airline desk.

 

If JC could have willed the plane to fly faster, he would have. He bit at his nails the entire flight, a habit he abhorred in anyone else. It was so rare that Nick cried; he could count on one hand the times he’d seen it in the two years they’d been an actual couple.

JC closed his eyes and tried to calm down. He thought about Nick, and couldn’t help but smile to himself. Only a group of close friends and family knew about their relationship, and no one had expected it to last. Nick was loud and crazy and brash and clumsy. JC was quiet and pensive and artsy and graceful. Lance had said it best when he remarked, “Well, JC, maybe you two are perfect for each other because you’re NOT perfect for each other.

JC often daydreamed about the day when they could come clean to the world about their relationship, but he wasn’t holding his breath. They were two of the most well-recognized people in music at that time, and there was no way they could come out. JC would have been happy just living with Nick, sharing a house when they were in the same place at the same time, but Nick wasn’t even comfortable committing to that. He had let JC in more than anyone else, but he still had trust issues, thanks to his rocky family life.

JC almost knocked over half of first class as he exited the plane, and he ran for the taxi line as quickly as he could. He gave the name of Nick’s hotel and drummed his fingers on the seat as the taxi wove its way through Manhattan.

 

“JC.” Nick barely got the door shut behind JC before throwing himself into JC’s arms. “Oh, God.”

“Nicky…baby…what…” JC rubbed Nick’s back, then squirmed at a strange feeling against his back. “Is that a CAST?”

“JC…it’s AJ…he…”

“You fought with AJ? I’m gonna kick his scrawny ass!” JC pulled away and tried to grab at Nick’s plastered hand.

“I didn’t fight with AJ, and you couldn’t kick anyone’s ass. Well, maybe Howie’s.” Nick smiled briefly, then the tears returned. He headed for the bedroom and flopped onto the bed. JC crawled next to him and curled himself around Nick as best he could. “AJ’s going to rehab. Kevin finally laid down the law, we all supported him, and shit the fan big time.” Nick looked at his hand. “I figured a wall was a safer bet than AJ’s head.”

“Oh, God.” JC cradled Nick against him. “Are…are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I just…I knew it was bad, but I sorta turned a blind eye to it.” Nick squirmed away from JC and went to the liquor cabinet. JC frowned as Nick poured himself a big glass of whiskey and downed a few gulps. “And then Kevin pointed out what it was doing to our sound, to our performances…and to AJ in general.” Nick finished off the glass.

“Is that really helping?” JC said softly, and Nick turned to glare at him. The glass flew out of his hand before Nick could stop it, shattering against the wall at the head of the bed. JC jumped, but didn’t look away.

Nick’s eyes widened. “JC. Oh my God. I’m so sorry. I just…it’s been a crazy…” Nick buried his face in his hands and JC hurried over.

“No, I’m sorry, Nick. I shouldn’t say stuff like that. Not the time or place.” JC hugged Nick, who fisted his hands in JC’s shirt.

“I’m sorry, babe. I would never hurt you. I know I drink, we all do. But I can control it. I like to have a good time, but that’s it. It doesn’t rule my life. Not like AJ.”

“I know,” JC said, though he didn’t quite believe it. JC didn’t get to spend anywhere near enough time with Nick, but he’d heard the reports and seen a few things for himself. Nick was starting to party more than just a “good time.”

“I’m sorry,” Nick repeated.

JC led him to the bed. “C’mere. Just rest a bit, okay? I can tell you’re going a mile a minute inside that blond head of yours.”

“I can’t make it stop,” Nick said, allowing JC to wrap himself around him. “I know you don’t understand, JC, but sometimes I need whatever will make it all stop. Make it all blur around the edges. Make everything clear.” Nick kissed JC, a sloppy passionate kiss that took JC’s breath away. “You’re the only thing that does it for me, and I can’t keep you around all the time.”

“I don’t mind being your mind-altering substance,” JC said with a grin. “You could put me in your pocket.”

“No, I can put CHRIS in my pocket,” Nick corrected, giggling a bit.

“Let’s get you undressed,” JC said, tugging at Nick’s shirt.

“You trying to seduce me, JC?” Nick’s eyebrow arched as he pulled off his shirt.

“No,” JC said seriously, his hands sliding over Nick’s smooth skin. “I’m trying to do whatever I can to make you forget for a while. Then you’re gonna nap, and then we’re gonna do whatever you want.”

“I love you,” Nick said with a sigh, falling into JC’s arms again. “You’re better than any drug.”

 

2002

 

“His what?”

“Solo album.” JC heard Lance whispering to his dogs in the background. “Tell him congratulations for me, okay, Jayce?”

“Uh, sure, Lance, I’ll do that.” JC pressed a hand to his forehead. “How’d you hear about it?”

“I know all and see all,” Lance boomed in his deep voice, then laughed. “I know someone who knows someone who did some work…you know how it is.”

“Yeah, I do.” JC took a deep breath. “I gotta go, Lance. Kiss the babies for me.”

“I will,” Lance said, cooing to his dogs. JC rolled his eyes and hung up.

JC lay on his bed for a moment, staring at the ceiling. Nick was supposed to come over for the night, and JC needed to get himself together before he talked to him. He had realized they were growing apart somewhat, but he’d never expected something like this. He slowly got up and made his way downstairs.

 

“Hey.” Nick gave JC a smacking kiss on his way through the door. “How are you? Did you get those lyrics I emailed you?” He dropped his duffle by the door.

“Yeah, they’re great. I thought we’d order Chinese,” JC said, following Nick into the living room.

“Mmm, sounds good.” Nick flopped down onto the sofa and grabbed the remote. JC grabbed it back. “Hey! Need some attention?” Nick pulled JC down for a kiss.

“Always,” JC said, but pulled away. “I need to talk to you for a second.”

“Sure. Everything okay?”

“No.” JC took a deep breath. “When were you gonna tell me about your album?”

“My…” Nick’s eyes widened. “How’d you hear about that?”

“I heard about it. But not from you. Why?”

“Well, I thought…I mean, you knew I was considering it, laying some stuff down,” Nick hedged.

“Considering it? Laying some stuff down? That doesn’t equal an album, Nick.”

“What difference does it make, JC? It’s none of your business what I do in the studio.” It was obvious Nick regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth.

“You’re right, Nick. What you do in the studio is NOT my business. My relationship with you, however, IS my business. This is a big deal for you, doing something solo. A boyfriend is supposed to be supportive, encouraging. I could help you, maybe, let you bounce ideas off me. But apparently I’m not good enough for that.” JC stood up, trying to keep his cool. “For years I’ve tried really hard to keep our professional lives out of our private lives. The rivalry between our groups is so immature and insane, but it’s always there, and I didn’t want it to affect us here. But you can’t seem to get over it.”

“Is that what you think this is? You’re in NSYNC, so I can’t tell you about my work?” Nick stood as well.

“I think it’s part of it. Otherwise, I have no clue why you felt the need to hide this from me.”

“I think you’re jealous,” Nick said, and JC gaped at him. “I think you’re jealous that I’m doing something you’re not, and you’re stuck in Timberlake’s shadow.”

JC turned white. “I am not going to grace that with a reply.” He walked over to Nick’s duffel and picked it up. A small bag dropped from a pocket at the end. He looked down at the white powder, then up at Nick. “And this is another thing.”

“Don’t, JC. Don’t go all father figure on me. It’s under control.” Nick picked up the bag and grabbed his duffel.

“I think you should go now, Nick, before we say things we regret. After we’ve both calmed down, we’ll talk.”

“Whatever,” Nick muttered, slamming the door as he left.

JC slid to the floor in the hallway, letting his head thud back against the wall.

 

He was still in that exact position an hour later, when someone knocked at the door. He didn’t answer, and soon heard a key turn in the lock. Nick stood sheepishly by the door. “I am a complete ass.”

“You have your moments,” JC said, not even opening his eyes.

“You are too big and too wonderful to stand in anyone’s shadow,” Nick said, sitting down next to JC. “Justin’s got nothing on you. I’m so sorry I said that.”

“Apology accepted,” JC said.

“I didn’t tell you about the album because I just…you’re so much more talented than I am…you write and sing better, and I know nothing I do is good enough.”

JC turned his head to look at Nick. “Have I ever said or did anything to make you feel that way?”

“No. But I have ears, JC. I can hear your stuff and compare it to mine.”

“That’s insane. You and I are two different people. We have different sounds.”

“Whatever.” Nick ran a hand through his short hair. “You were right what you said about boyfriends. I should have told you.”

“Apology accepted,” JC said again. He took Nick’s hand. “I love you more than anything, Nick, you know that, right?”

“Yeah,” Nick said slowly, not liking the look on JC’s face.

“I’ve been sitting here for the last hour, since you left. I’ve been thinking about things, about you and me, where we’re going, where we are now.”

“Okay,” Nick said, smiling nervously. “Is this where you propose?” He tried to joke.

“Maybe if I thought you’d say yes,” JC said, but his smile quickly came and went. “I can’t do this anymore, Nick.”

“Do what?”

“I know about your drinking, Nick. And the drug use. It’s not just a party thing anymore. You’re as bad as AJ ever was.” It killed JC to say the words, but he had to get it out there. “You’re killing yourself and you’re only twenty-two.”

“Jesus Christ, JC!” Nick stood. “I HAVE a dad, JC, and if I don’t want that one, I’ve still got Kevin up my ass all the time. Just because you’re a few years older than I am, you…”

“No, that’s not it at ALL.” JC stood as well, grabbing Nick by the shoulders. “I’m tired of it. Everyone makes sure I hear the stories when I’m not with you. Nick closed down the bar. Nick challenged people to shot contests. Nick was doing tequila shots off of supermodels.”

“JC…”

“That’s not even the issue here. I know you haven’t slept with another man since we’ve been together, and I’ll leave it at that.” JC ran a hand through his hair. “I know it’s gotten out of control, and I refuse to let you kill yourself. I love you too fucking much to let you turn into some episode of Behind the Music.” JC gave Nick a tender kiss, then pulled back. “You need to make a decision. You can have the party…or you can have me.”

“JC, is this how you get back at me about the album thing?” Nick’s voice was shaking.

“I’m not getting back at you for anything. I’ve been worried about this for a while, and felt you pulling away. Today just…it was the last straw.”

Nick laughed bitterly, wiping at his eyes. “You told me I could trust you. I let you in and this is what you do to me?”

“Nick…please. If the partying wasn’t a problem, you wouldn’t be fighting this. Your decision would be made. I’m second place.”

“No, you’re not,” Nick said.

“I love you more than I love myself, but I cannot stand here and watch you let this happen,” JC said, tears streaming down his own cheeks. “Get your act together. If you want, I’ll help you. I’ll go with you to a therapist, see a counselor, do whatever you want. I’ll be beside you one hundred percent.”

“Fuck you, JC.” Nick glared at him. “Fuck you and your therapist and your counselor. I don’t have a problem, YOU do. It’s called jealousy. You’re jealous of my solo album, my career, and the fact that I fuck girls behind your back.” JC winced. “Fine. You want me to choose? Consider this my choice.”

JC closed his eyes and cried as the door slammed again.

 

2005-2006

 

“Have you watched Entertainment Tonight or anything lately?” Joey asked as he hefted Briahna into his arms.

“Oh yes, because that’s the kind of TV I watch,” JC snorted, helping to clear the table.

“JC, will you marry me? You’d make a great housewife,” Kelly said as she took Briahna from Joey.

“If I thought that Joey wouldn’t kill me, I’d say yes in a heartbeat,” JC said, kissing her cheek. “So…what’s this about Entertainment Tonight?”

“Joey,” Kelly warned.

“Nick was arrested,” Joey said.

“What?” JC whispered, grabbing the back of a chair. “Let me guess…he finally killed Jane,” he tried to joke.

“Nah, but I think we would all be able to testify that she had it coming,” Joey said with a grin. “DUI. He’s out and everything…I think he had to pay a fine, do some community service.”

“God.” JC took the dishes into the kitchen.

“You know that I wasn’t ever the biggest fan of your relationship, but I know you still care about him. I wouldn’t have told you, but I know you don’t pay attention to the gossip stuff, and I didn’t want you hearing about it from someone else,” Joey said.

“I really thought…I hoped that he might start getting his shit together once he turned twenty-five,” JC said with a sigh.

“Are you dating anyone, JC?” Kelly said to change the subject.

JC smiled at her concern. “No, not recently. I’m not ready. I…”

“You still love Carter,” Joey interrupted.

“Joe!” Kelly scolded.

“Well, he does,” Joey insisted. “Tell me you wouldn’t take him back in a heartbeat if he came begging.”

“He’s not going to come begging.” JC sat down on the floor to play with Briahna.

“And if he did?”

“He’d have to beg long and hard,” JC said.

“You’re full of shit,” Joey said, laughing. JC smiled weakly.

“Tell him about the other thing, if you’re gonna tell him anything at all,” Kelly said, poking Joey.

“What other thing?” JC asked.

“When they talked about this on ET, they mentioned something else.” Joey’s eyes were serious.

“What?” JC stood back up again.

“He’s…they’re doing a reality show.”

“What? Who?”

“The entire family. Nick and his siblings. House of Carters, or something like that.”

“You’re joking.” JC could NOT imagine Nick allowing cameras into his destructive family life.

“I don’t know why, but it’s true. He hasn’t been around much lately, you know that,” Joey said, and JC nodded. Everyone always made it a point to keep JC informed as to what Nick was doing, as if he cared. Or at least he TOLD himself he didn’t care. In the past few months, no one had told him much, and that was probably because Nick was busy letting a production crew film his life.

“God…I can’t believe this,” JC said, talking more to himself than anyone else. “He never wanted anyone to know how bad things were…and now he’s putting it on national television?”

“Sounds like maybe you were smart to move on when you did,” Kelly said gently.

“Maybe I was,” JC said, but he wasn’t so sure.

 

When the show finally aired, he refused to watch it, and he refused to discuss it with anyone. He didn’t want to see Nick, didn’t want to see this shell of a person that Nick presented to the world. The reviews of the show were bad enough.

After the third week of the show, JC was tired of everyone asking if he’d talked to Nick, or asking him why he’d done the show in the first place. JC gathered all his courage and decided to call him. His number was the same, and JC had it memorized.

Of course he’d gotten Nick’s voicemail. He didn’t expect Nick to answer. “Nick…it’s JC. I…saw your show. I mean, I didn’t SEE your show, I saw you HAD a show. Everyone’s wondering why you did it, so I figured I’d call and ask. Plus, you know, I just wanted to see how you were and all. You have my number.”

Three hours later his phone rang. “So, everyone wants to know why? THAT’S why you called?”

“Hi, Nick,” JC said softly.

“I have my reasons for doing the show. They might not have been good reasons, or smart reasons, but I had them. And it’s no one’s business.”

“Right,” JC agreed, wishing he had never called, but loving the sound of Nick’s voice in his ear.

“And as to how I am? I’m fine. Still partying, but still in control.”

“Is that why you got a DUI?” JC said before he could stop himself.

“Fuck you, JC. And the next time you have questions for me? Call my publicist.”

JC stared at the phone in his hand as Nick hung up.

 

2008

 

“Well, that was pretty damn disastrous,” JC muttered to himself, tossing his keys on the small table by the door. He had just returned from a blind date set up by Lance, and he’d had nothing in common with the other man except the fact that they were both born in America. JC got himself a beer and picked up his cell. He took a long swallow from the beer as he waited.

“JC, hey! How were things with Brandon?”

“A fucking nightmare, that’s how they were,” JC snapped. “Two hours I will NEVER get back again. HOW could you possibly think we were compatible?”

“Well, you’re both…creative,” Lance said.

“Lance, he does performance art…he dips himself in pudding!” JC almost screamed. “He spent a half-hour telling me about the time he painted his body with rubber cement.” JC shuddered.

“Okay, I’m sorry!” Lance said, unable to keep from laughing. “I just…I hate the thought of you sitting around that house alone every night.”

“I’m fine being alone, Lance. I swear. It’s not like I’m waiting for someone to come knocking on my door,” JC said. “I can find someone…” JC jumped as someone knocked on his door. “Lance, I gotta go. There’s someone at the door. You owe me.” JC hung up and went to the door. His mouth fell open as he saw who was on the other side. “Holy fuck.”

“JC. Can I come in?” Nick’s smile was all charm as he leaned in the doorway.

“Uh, yeah.” JC stepped aside and allowed Nick to weave down the hall. “Shit, Nick…how much did you drink?”

“Enough. Not enough. Never enough for this. Too much,” Nick babbled. He headed for the stairs and started going up the steps.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” JC trotted after him, not sure what to do or say. In all the time he’d been apart from Nick, he had never been able to decide what he’d do if Nick showed up. Of course, in his mind, Nick had never been completely shitfaced.

Nick slowly turned to look at him. “I’m dying, JC.”

“WHAT?”

Nick stumbled down the hall to JC’s bed. “Always had the most comfortable bed ever,” Nick groaned as he picked up JC’s pillow. He inhaled deeply, burying his face in the pillowcase. “Miss this.”

“Nick, you need to leave. You’re…I can’t deal with this.” JC clenched his hands into fists, trying to keep his cool.

“JC, don’t kick me out again. I’m dying, JC. They told me.” Nick sat up, fisting at his eyes like a little boy. “I’m dying. They said so.”

“Who, baby?” After almost six years, the endearment slipped out without thought. JC sat by Nick, close to him but not touching him.

“The doctors.”

“What doctors?” JC gasped. “Nick, what’s going on?”

“I have…I have…” Nick stuttered for a moment. “Cardiomyopathy. My heart…it’s too big, I’m too fat, I party too hard.” Nick picked at a hole in his jeans. “I have to stop now. Stop drinking, stop partying, stop it all. Or I’m dead.”

“Jesus, you’re not joking, are you?”

“Of course not, you idiot!” Nick snapped. “Would I really come here, to YOU, joking about something like this?” JC shook his head. “I’ve been feeling out of it…so tired…dancing just kills me. So I finally got it checked out. Got the results today. Gotta clean up my act, or the curtain’s coming down on me.” Nick smiled at his own joke. “But what if I can’t? What if I can’t clean it up? There were so many times I hated my life, but I never wanted to end it…and I may have done just that.” Nick began to cry. “I’m dying, JC. I’m not even thirty and I’m dying. I’m all alone and no one understands…that’s why I did it all in the first place.”

“You’re not alone, Nick. So many people love you.” JC finally gave in and pulled Nick into an embrace. Nick sobbed on his shoulder. “You have the guys, your friends…everyone who knows you cares about you.”

“Most of the people around me are slimeballs who just want a piece of me,” Nick growled, fisting his hands in JC’s shirt.

“So you start to weed them out. Get yourself a core group of people who are willing to help you.”

“Yeah,” Nick mumbled into JC’s shirt.

“How about you take a quick shower and get into bed. You can stay in one of the guest rooms.”

“Okay.” Nick sniffled, wiping his face on his arm.

JC helped him up and down the hall to the bathroom. He got the bedroom ready as Nick took a shower. It took everything in him not to stare as Nick reappeared in his boxers. Nick had put on a lot of weight in recent years, but JC still thought he was beautiful. “You’re all ready here,” JC said, patting the bed. “Climb on in.”

“We need to talk,” Nick insisted. JC shook his head.

“Tomorrow.”

Nick grumbled but climbed into the bed. JC pulled the covers up. “You look nice,” Nick said finally.

“I, uh, had a date,” JC said. “It was pretty awful.”

“Good,” Nick said. “I mean, good that you had a date.”

“Right.” JC headed for the door. “Get some sleep, Nick, okay? It’ll look better tomorrow.”

“I doubt it,” Nick said. “But thanks, JC…always taking care of me.”

“No problem,” JC said, closing the door. He stood in the hall for a long moment, leaning against the door. He knew sleep wouldn’t come easy that night.

 

JC pulled himself out of bed at ten the next morning after maybe one hour of good sleep. He made a strong cup of tea and curled up on the lounge in his breakfast nook, staring out the window but not really seeing anything. He wasn’t sure what had made Nick come to him, but he had no reason to doubt what Nick had told him. It was obvious to anyone who knew him that Nick wasn’t healthy, but no one could help him until Nick helped himself.

“Hey,” Nick said, standing bashfully in the door to the kitchen.

“Hey. Would you like anything, like tea or toast or something?”

“Nah, I’m good. Could I just have some water?”

“Bottles on the bottom shelf of the fridge,” JC said, and Nick padded over on bare feet. He came into the breakfast nook and sat next to JC.

“Thanks for taking me in last night,” Nick said softly. “After the things I’ve said to you…”

JC waved his hand. “Don’t. What was I supposed to do? Turn you away?”

“Most people would have.”

“Most people don’t love you the way I do.”

“The way you do?” Nick stared at him. “Not did?”

“Nick, I never stopped loving you. Maybe you didn’t want my love anymore, but that didn’t make it disappear.”

“God, JC, you asshole,” Nick snapped, and JC blinked. “I prepared this big long speech when I came downstairs, and you shot it all to hell.”

“Sorry,” JC said meekly.

“You were right in everything you said to me,” Nick said. “I have a problem. I have an addiction. And it scares me to death, because I don’t know if I can kick it. It’s the only thing that will save my life.”

“You can do it,” JC said encouragingly. “You have a great support system, if you just get it together.”

“I don’t…everyone wants something from me,” Nick said. “Except for a few people. Everyone else…”

“Fuck everyone else and concentrate on YOU,” JC said. “You’re the only one that matters. If ANYONE in your life can’t handle what you need to change, they don’t deserve to be IN your life.”

“I was flying high for so long, and then I realized I needed that stuff to keep me flying…I wasn’t good enough or smart enough or talented enough to fly by myself,” Nick said, staring at his bottle of water. “And then it took over.”

“You’ll beat it,” JC said. “You’re strong. I know that.”

“Maybe.” Nick looked him in the eye and JC swallowed hard. “I hurt you. I lied to you, I cheated on you, I treated you like shit.”

“Water under the bridge,” JC whispered.

“I chose the partying over you,” Nick said unhappily. “I was so stupid.”

“Don’t go back there, Nick,” JC said. “Please. It will only hurt us both.”

“Remember that day, you told me you’d help me get to a therapist or counselor or whatever?”

“Yes, I remember,” JC said.

“Does…does that offer still stand?” Nick asked in a tiny voice.

“Of course. Anything I can do for you, I will,” JC said.

“I love you, JC,” Nick said. “I never stopped. I know I can never make up for what I said and did, but…but if I get my shit together…can…can you give me another chance?”

“I’m willing to give you another chance,” JC said. “But you need to give yourself another chance first.”

“I know.” Nick took a shuddering breath. “I’ve missed you so much, JC.”

“I’ve missed you, too,” JC said, taking Nick’s hand in his.

“I’m scared to death.”

“You’ll be fine. Trust me.”

“With my life,” Nick said. JC brought Nick’s hand up to his lips and kissed it. He got himself situated on the lounge and pulled Nick back to settle against him.

“We’ll get you flying again,” JC murmured in his hair. “Trust me.”

THE END


End file.
